Bad things happen if you don't vote - meet some of the bigots, loons & morons poised for power
“Elections belong to the people. It's their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters.” ― Abraham Lincoln
I expect that many Democrats will have already voted. And I am sure those waiting for Tuesday will get to the polling place and do their part to keep America sane. And prevent it from becoming from being a clown shit show, run by Bible-thumping high-school dropouts, sociopathic ignoramuses, hypocritical liars, and sadistic bigots all competing to give Trump the best anilingus he has ever had. I do not like to be crude, but it seems I have sunk to the level of the GOP.
I need a Tuesday with enough liberal success to cleanse my soul, restore my bonhomie, and preserve my mental equilibrium. Because if all goes wrong, the national legislature will be a meld of lunatics, ADHD bullies, and a KKK rally.
When I look at the slate of Republican candidates, they remind me of the tennis philosopher John McEnroe’s observation, “you cannot be serious!!!”
Kevin “The Worm” McCarthy will be the Speaker of the House. He is a man with the resolve and morals of a crack whore — and I apologize to the crack whore because, in her soul, she knows what she is doing is wrong. And she would like not to bear the burden of addiction. Kevin does not care. He will never wake up one day and wonder why he sank so low.
His posse will feature M.T. “Jewish Space Laser” Greene. This self-reverential religious bigot (she can call herself a ‘Christian Nationalist, but a fart is a fart by any name) will use her outsized conservative media clout to extract some plum position from the spineless McCarthy. He could put her in charge of establishing the gazpacho police. Or maybe, with unintentional irony, he will put her on the House Intelligence Committee, where she can share air with the intellectual powerhouse and high school dropout, Lauren ‘Baretta Barbie’ Boebert.
Looking to join this Posse are such luminaries as Karoline “Science is BS” Leavitt — a baby bigot at only 25. This global warming skeptic has declared “The alleged ‘existential threat of climate change is a manufactured crisis by the Democrat Party to frighten the American people into supporting the passage of the Green New Deal, which is a socialist takeover of our economy and society.” And just in case you missed the point, she added that the Democrats are “trying to brainwash my generation with all this BS about climate change.”
Then there is Washington’s Joe “The Groyper’s Army Choice” Kemp. This white nationalist told the American Populist Union, “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with there being a white people special interest group.” He seems unaware that there already is one — the GOP.
On the Senate side, Hershel ‘The Abortionist’ Walker will do his bit to make America a more moral country, one abandoned child and tossed-away woman at a time. He will roll up his sleeves and use his Cracker Jack sheriff’s badge to restore law and order. He will likely buddy up with Congress’ constitutional expert Coach “Who Needs a Helmet” Tuberville.
Dr. “Snakeoil” Oz will join them there. This TV huckster will lobby for laws requiring women to go to the local building inspector for permission to exercise their choice. Pennsylvanians will be represented by a New Jerseyite with Turkish citizenship. Santa Claus is getting revenge for the snowball incident.
Blake “Replacement Theory” Masters will bring his racist crime analysis (“It’s people in Chicago, St. Louis, shooting each other. Very often, you know, Black people, frankly.”) and his disdain of democracy (“I no longer believe that freedom and democracy are compatible”) from Arizona to the heart of American democracy. The hens will have voted for the fox. And Barry Goldwater now looks like a liberal.
Ron “Red” Johnson an inveterate liar — aka Republican — promised he would only run for two terms. So here he is in his third election. After he declared that Social Security a Ponzi Scheme, you can be certain McConnell will put him on the Senate Ways and Means Committee, which oversees the agency. Although, he will not give up his seat on the Foreign Relations Committee which enables him to have Putin’s back.
Adam "White Bread" Laxalt is not a drooler like some of the crazies, but he is a proud homophobe, who is against gays in the military, gays in marriages, gays in schools, and gays in America. He is also anti-woman and pro-gun. And he wipes his mouth with a handkerchief after kissing Trump’s ass.
J.D. “I Now Love Trump So Much It Hurts” Vance went from denying Trump, like a St Peter on meth, to being one of his most dedicated disciples. This venture capital hill-billy thinks wives should stay in abusive marriages “for the sake of the children” because what kid’s life is not improved by seeing their mother beaten? He holds women in such esteem he thinks the law should mandate they carry fetuses produced by rape and incest to term
Dan “Micro Chip” Bolduc has this to say, “Guess what? We have furries and fuzzies in classrooms. They lick themselves, they’re cats. When they don’t like something, they hiss—people walk down the hallway and jump out. And get this, get this. They’re putting litter boxes [out], right? These are the same people that are concerned about spreading germs. Yet they let children lick themselves and then touch everything. And they’re starting to lick each other”.
How do you even talk to people like that?
Then there are the MAGAs running for Governships and Secretary of State positions. But you get the point. And I am tired of all this hostile and mindless unAmericanism.
Please vote.
Sources: Vanity Fair. New York Magazine. Washington Monthly
Up early on this Election Day, and hopefully the right (not that Right) people will prevail , thank you Pitt